


Somewhere deep inside, you know that we love you

by forgetmenotjimmy



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred Pennyworth is the Best, Brother-Sister Relationships, Bruce Wayne is a Bad Parent, Depression, Dick Grayson is So Done, Dick and Kory FINALLY Talk, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Sibling Cassandra Cain, Hallucinations, He's really sorry, Hurt Dick Grayson, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Protective Damian Wayne, Protective Jason Todd, Protective Siblings, Psychosis, Recovery, Sad Tim Drake, Secrets, Self-Esteem Issues, Spyral Arc Mentioned, Swearing, Temporary Character Death Mentioned, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetmenotjimmy/pseuds/forgetmenotjimmy
Summary: Dick’s friends are surprised to get a call from him about him needing help to take care of a baby. Jason is practically rubbing his hands with glee thinking about all the snarky remarks he’d get to make. But when they get to Dick, they realize that something is seriously wrong with their friend and brother.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Past Dick Grayson/Koriand'r - Relationship
Comments: 26
Kudos: 367





	Somewhere deep inside, you know that we love you

**Author's Note:**

> Now with [beautiful artwork](https://icypinkflower.tumblr.com/post/635723982567505920/art-for-a-fic-i-read-go-check-it-out-its-an) from [IcyPinkFlower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcyPinkFlower/pseuds/IcyPinkFlower)!  
> See End Note for explanation of the implied child abuse tag.  
> Unbeta'd so let me know if you spot anything.  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> :D

Roy laughed at Kori’s expression as she tried Jason’s terrible beer. The Outlaws weren’t currently working together so it was a treat to find time to meet up. Lian was probably having a whale of a time with her Uncle Wally and some of Jason’s siblings were doing a sweep of the Narrows on patrol. 

It was good to see Jason getting on with his family, well, most of it. 

“How’s Tim?” He asked. 

Jason’s upper lip twitched into a tiny smile. “Dear ol’ Timmers? Same as usual, swotting it up.”

The proud tone belied the words but Roy knew better than to comment.

Kori smiled. “Maybe we should join him and Spoiler later?”

“And ruin their fun? Nah, those two are pretty insufferable when they’re together.”

They talked more about cape gossip, no pressure of a mission or need to focus like on patrol. Comfortable memories of relaxing after missions came back to Roy and he felt a warmth spreading through him. Kori was telling them about some drama between the latest Teen Titan members and didn’t that make Roy feel extra nostalgic for their days on the team? She seemed to be doing a good job leading them despite the youngster’s antics; perhaps because of her own experience on a team full of superpowered teenagers.

His ringtone interrupted Kori’s story. Thinking it might be Wally, Roy hastily got his phone out. Then froze.

“What?” Jason asked.

“It’s Dick.”

Jason huffed and took another pull from his beer. Roy considered the name flashing on the screen; he hadn’t heard from his old friend in...a long time. 

Dick sent Lian cards and presents every birthday and holiday and would answer Roy’s calls: sometimes when Lian was mad about something, Roy would dial Dick’s number and let her talk to her favorite uncle. According to his daughter, Dick would always ask about him, but Roy hadn’t yet been able to let go of his own anger. He hadn’t been ready to let Dick Grayson into his life again. Yes, Dick was a good and loyal person but sometimes he could be a crappy friend. 

After a short hesitation, he answered. “Yeah.”

There was a pause.

Roy frowned. “You called me, man.”

More silence. Foreboding began to nestle in his heart. He was about to speak again but then-

“I need help.”

Roy’s spine snapped straight, focusing all his attention on Dick’s slightly cracked voice. “Where are you?”

Around the table, Kori and Jason also sat up to attention.

“My apartment.” An audible swallow. “I need...help I-”

“Are you hurt?”

“No.” Dick answered.

Roy relaxed slightly.

“It’s the baby.”

“The baby.” Roy repeated for Kori and Jason’s benefit, and maybe also his own. The others stiffened, though Roy thought probably for different reasons.

Dick continued as if he didn’t hear Roy’s surprise. “I don’t think she’s eaten for a while and she’s in pain. They make painkillers for babies, right? The liquid stuff.”

“Hold on. How do you have a baby?”

“I don’t...I found her.”

“You _found_ her? What? In an alley? Why don’t you-”

“Please, Roy! I can’t do this alone!”

Roy’s perfectly reasonable suggestion to take the baby to child services died in his throat, killed by the desperation in Dick’s voice. Something else was at play here.

“Okay, calm down. I’m coming.” He stood. “Food and meds you said.”

“Thank you.” Dick breathed. “Yes. Hurry.”

“Be there in 30.” Roy promised before hanging up.

“What the fuck?” Jason asked even as he also stood, grabbing his jacket.

“I don’t know, but he sounds really upset. I’m gonna run over, get some things at the store. You don’t have to-”

“Of course I do!” Jason argued. “Goldie has a mysterious child? I wouldn’t miss this for anything.”

Roy glanced at Kori, who hadn’t moved. Both she and Dick always claimed to have moved on from each other but...She downed her drink and stood.

“I’m sure you three children will need someone who knows what they’re doing.”

So the three set off to Dick and the baby.

…

Jason’s body thrummed with anticipation. Whilst it was unlikely Goldie really did have a child out of wedlock, it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. Condoms split all the time. Even if it was a dumpster baby, Jason could still tease the man about it. Or more likely mock…

He still hadn’t forgiven Dick for lying about his death and frankly, Jason wasn’t sure if he ever would, not really. With the way their lives worked, he’d accepted the fact that they’d have to work together occasionally, but that whole ‘brother’ crap Dick had been shilling for years?

Done.

Still, Jason evidently hadn’t lost the urge to poke and try to get under Dickface’s skin. Pointing out Goldie’s failings was good for his soul.

They pulled up at Dick’s apartment after Roy had picked up some baby stuff at a 24hour store, grumbling about prices.

“Oh my God, thank you! Come in.” Dick answered the door, hardly seeming to notice Jason and Kori as he zeroed in on Roy and the bag he carried.

Jason’s stomach twisted at the sight of him: skin pale, hair greasy and stuck up, eyes bloodshot and a little wild. This baby situation must really be messing with him. That took away from Jason’s fun. He’d need to keep his best material until Dick was more with it.

Dick took the bag from Roy, explaining. “She’s in the bedroom.”

Roy blinked at Dick’s bruskness but went to check on the baby.

Jason wrinkled his nose as he came into the apartment. Dick never kept a pristine place but this was worse than usual. When had he last taken out the trash? Or had a shower?

Jason exchanged a glance with Kori. She looked concerned as Jason felt.

“So, where’d you find her?” He asked.

Dick didn’t look up from rifling through the bag as he said. “She was all alone. Must have been there for days and no one came.”

Well shit, wasn’t that the saddest things Jason had ever heard. Still didn’t really answer his question though. He came to stand on the other side of the kitchen island.

He said more loudly. “Dick.”

Dick lifted his head curiously but his expression shifted as he saw Kori. “What’s _she_ doing here?”

Kori recoiled at the venom in Dick’s voice. Jason blinked. What the Hell?

Roy burst back into the room before anyone could think of a response.

“Dick. There’s no baby in your room.”

“What?” Dick pushed past Roy and raced in.

Jason really, really did not like the face Roy was making. When Dick came back out, the tide of Jason’s misgivings crashed into him.

“Don’t scare me like that, Roy! She’s right here. You okay, hun?” Dick cooed to the scrunched up hoodie in his arms.

“Dick-” Kori started but Roy shook his head.

“Was he out patrolling earlier?” Roy asked Jason.

Having no idea, Jason shrugged. “I’ll call O.”

“I’ll check the bathroom.” Roy said, ducking in.

Jason called O, eyeing Dick as he took the bundle into the kitchen area.

O answered quickly and reported. “If he did patrol, he didn't tell me. Why?”

“When’s the last time he patrolled?” Jason ignored her question.

“He last went out with Robin two weeks ago. If he’s been out since then it hasn’t been with any of us. Hood, what’s going on?”

“He’s hallucinating.”

“Fear?” O asked.

“No. We’re at his apartment. He called Arsenal about finding a baby but it’s not-”

The sight of Dick trying to spoon feed the hoodie made Jason’s throat close up. He had to face the window.

Roy came out of the bathroom. “It’s clean. Though the painkillers were in the trash for some reason.” He held up the bottle.

Jason told O.

“Okay, check him for signs of infection. I’ll get L to you.”

“Thanks, O.”

“Take care of him.” She said before hanging up.

Jason took in a deep breath and turned back. Kori was tidying up empty dishes and loose papers in the kitchen, glancing nervously in Dick’s direction every so often, while Roy was coaxing Dick into sitting down.

Once Dick was settled on the couch, Roy and Kori left to search the rest of the place as Jason awkwardly searched him for infected wounds.

“Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine. Her head hurts though.” Dick frowned. “Can you get the baby meds?”

Jason went still. “You have a headache?”

“Yeah.” Dick admitted.

“Here.” Jason picked up the pill bottle Roy had left on the coffee table.

“No!” Dick cried and smacked the bottle out of Jason’s hand.

Startled, Jason bit back his instinctual response to start fighting and instead showed his palms. “Okay, no pills.”

Dick cradled the ‘baby’ close to his chest, breathing heavily and stuttered.

“You’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you.” Jason tried.

“I don’t...I don’t want to die.” Dick whispered, eyes filling with tears.

Jason wanted out of this nightmare. For a moment, he wished that Dick would snap out of it and be the happy, confident big brother who’d never stop offering olive branches no matter how many you burned.

He took in a deep breath. “You won’t.”

Eyes still wet, Dick sniffed and considered. “Promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

Tension bled out of Dick’s shoulders and he let out a long, shaky breath. Eying the pill bottle, Jason cursed himself for not considering the pills as a source of Dick’s hallucinations. Maybe Dick had subconsciously realised and tried to get rid of them.

Roy and Kori came back into the room and began surreptitiously searching the living space. Jason pushed down the insistence that they wouldn’t find any drugs and focused on looking Dick over. The scare over the pills seemed to have tired him out, because he was slumped against the back of the couch, hoodie unravelling in his slack arms.

Seeing a signal from Roy, Jason asked.

“Hey, why don’t I take her while you shower?”

Dick slowly looked over, blinking sluggishly. Jason clenched his fists impatiently and eventually Dick answered. “You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Dick looked down at the bundle and carefully handed ‘her’ over. When Jason pretended to support the baby’s head - asking himself what was his life? - Dick broke out into a smile.

“She likes you.”

Jason swallowed bile even as his own lips pulled up in response to Dick’s happiness. Even for a worrying reason, his smiles were just that infectious. As Roy helped Dick shower and took over the ‘infection check’, Jason joined Kori in putting some order to the apartment. They worked silently, the usually bubbly Kori deep in thought.

“He’ll be fine.” Jason said eventually. “He’s been through worse.”

Kori shook her head and explained. “I’m asking myself who he saw when he was looking at me.”

Jason remembered the hatred in Dick’s voice. “No way it was you. It must have been…” He struggled to think of a woman Dick actively hated. “Vicki Vale?”

It was the best he could come up with but still didn’t match the tone.

“Aside from a little dizziness, I don’t see any symptoms.” Roy reported as he emerged from the bathroom. “Whatever it is, it’s strong, and it looks like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”

Jason nodded to the pills. “Could have been ingested.”

“Should we get samples of everything in the kit?” Kori asked.

“You shouldn’t even be here.” Dick answered, voice deadly calm. The shower hadn’t done anything to put color back into his skin but he looked more focused. Absently, Jason cursed that even damp, his hair still looked great.

“Maybe you should lie down.” Roy tried.

“Maybe, Roy, you can explain why you brought _her_ here?”

“Who am I?” Kori asked.

“Don’t mock me! You can’t trick me again.”

“Dick, it’s me, Kori-”

“No! Shut up! You’re not her. You’re just pretending.” Dick snarled. His eyes shifted away from her slightly as he went on. “I didn’t...I didn’t see it before but I do now.”

Kori’s expression cleared and she sounded strangely cold. “Mirage.”

Roy gave a soft ‘oh’. Jason was none the wiser but at that moment Dick’s attention switched.

“Where’s Mary?”

“Who?”

“The baby!”

“Oh! Uh, she’s here.” Jason indicated to the couch, trying to soothe Dick’s panic. “Just sleeping.”

Dick stalked over and hovered, bloodshot eyes assessing...it. Whatever he thought he saw must have satisfied him because he let out a long breath. Kori slipped out of the apartment and Roy scurried off to sample things in the kitchen. Jason glared at him but tried not to let Dick see, lest he imagine something else.

Instead he joined Dick in looking down at the ‘baby’.

“She’s so little.” Dick whispered in awe.

At least it was a nice hallucination, Jason thought. Unless the ‘baby’ was going to grow tentacles or vampire teeth or something. He grunted non committedly.

“It’s so funny to think that we were all that small once.” Dick mused.

“Yeah, funny. Why don’t you sit?” Jason gently guided his brother down onto the armchair and held back a curse as Dick focused on him.

“You okay?”

“Me? I’m fine. Why?” Jason asked, wondering if Dick was imagining him with some hideous deformity or something.

Dick shrugged. “We haven’t talked in a while. How’s school?”

Jason’s mouth became a desert. He struggled to swallow and blindly sank onto the arm of the couch. 

“Uh, fine.” He finally managed. His mind whirred: was Dick even seeing _his_ kid self? Maybe he was another kid, like Damian or some other snot-nosed-

Dick tilted his head in a look Jason recognised as ‘I-don’t-believe-you-but-I’ll-humor-you-for-now’. 

“Uhuh, how’s math class? Ms. Tolovsky giving you any more trouble?”

Well, that answered that. God, Jason hadn’t thought about that old bat for years. She’d probably punched out a while ago.

For a moment, Jason remembered being an angry twelve year old, feeling ashamed and belittled by an eldery math teacher. He also recalled how Dick had helped him with some homework and promised not to tell B about it.

Looking back, Jason suspected the ol’ man had likely figured it out but the feeling that he and Dick were keeping secrets from him had really meant a lot. Part of him really missed those days, part of him mourned the relationship he and Dick could have had, if things had gone differently...

But they hadn’t. And they were different people now. Just because Dick didn't remember all the ways they’d hurt each other didn't mean they hadn’t.

On the other hand, it would probably be a dick move to take his anger out on Dick now, when he already had enough problems.

“Nah. I aced the test and that shut her up!”

Dick laughed and held up his hand for a hi-five. “Alright!” 

Jason rolled his eyes and returned it. Only Dick could still be a dork while high as a kite. They passed some time talking about Jason’s imaginary book report before there was a knock on the door.

It was Leslie, with Kori peeking over the doctor’s shoulder, though Dick was too distracted by Leslie to notice.

“Doc! Long time no see!”

Leslie smiled and got straight to business. Jason was always impressed with how she could wrangle such a rag-tag group of capes. She managed to examine Dick in between pretending to assess the ‘baby’.

“I can’t be sure without blood work but it doesn’t seem like an infection. We can run more tests in the Cave.”

Jason noticed Dick tense out of the corner of his eye.

“I don’t think she should take her there.” Dick said, picking ‘her’ up protectively. “It’s cold.”

Jason’s eyes narrowed; that wasn’t Dick’s real concern. Leslie was saying something about blankets but Dick stood up and took a step back.

“No.”

Everyone froze. 

“I won’t let you.”

Leslie held her palms out. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Dick laughed breathlessly. “Nothing to be...?” His expression hardened. “She deserves a normal life. I won’t let him _near_ her.”

Jason almost choked on his spit. Dick had been the good little soldier since before Jason had even met him. This certainly was a treat.

“Who do you mean?” Leslie asked.

“Batman and his Mission.” Dick spat.

Whoa. The anger was intensifying. _Time to be the responsible one,_ Jason thought.

“Bruce isn’t there right now.” He interjected. “He’s out of the country, remember?”

Dick frowned at Jason, clearly searching his own memory.

“Why aren’t you with him?”

Jason pushed down the thought that Damian would not be pleased at being forgotten by his favourite brother, deciding to enjoy telling the brat about it when he got back.

“Gotta finish my book report. Look, we’ll take care of her. And also, you really think Alfred would let anything happen?”

Dick’s shoulders relaxed though he murmured something that sounded like ‘Alfred isn’t there all the time’.

“Great!” Leslie clapped her hands. “Roy, do you have that bag? Good.”

Roy held up a sports bag packed with some of Dick’s clothes. As they headed out, Dick smiled at Kori.

“You okay?”

She startled. “Yes, Dick. I am alright.”

He nodded and continued on. Jason _had_ to get the details on whoever this Mirage was.

Roy begged off to go home and Kori went too, not wanting to risk upsetting Dick again. Leslie called ahead to update Alfred and Jason drove them in his beat-up car he kept for journeys too long for his bike. Every so often he glanced at Dick through the rearview mirror, the sight of his brother dozing piercing his heart.

They pulled up to the manor and as they all got out, Jason didn’t really know what he was doing there. The doc and Al would handle the medical stuff and there would probably be someone at the manor to babysit. Well, he supposed that his main interest was hearing more about Dick’s distrust of B. Was it a symptom of whatever he was on or a deeply buried sentiment now revealed?

Luckily, although he was tense, Dick remained compliant as they went into the manor and agreed to let Jason ‘hold the baby’ as they went down to the Cave. Jason tried not to encourage the pride he felt at such a show of trust. 

Alfred and the Replacement were already in the medbay area. Jason bit back a protest that Timbo didn’t need to see Goldie in such a state; Red Robin wasn’t a kid anymore...and maybe Jason selfishly wanted someone to share the bizarre ache of dealing with a Dick not-entirely present but still _Dick_. 

For the moment, Dick seemed distracted by a particular spot on the ground, near the glass cases. So much so he didn’t greet Tim or Alfred. Taking advantage of that, Jason handed over the suspect pills for Tim to analyse. 

In his usual unflappable fashion, Alfred coaxed Dick into sitting down and he took some blood samples. The two talked about the latest in an ongoing feud Alfred had with another customer of his favourite butcher’s. If Jason had just walked in he wouldn’t have thought anything was out of the ordinary...well, there was the tension in Dick’s shoulders and his occasional glances at the elevator or Cave entrance.

Again, the question ate at him: was this because of the drug or had this skittishness, this _fear_ , always been there?

...

Tim stared at the screen blankly as he waited for the analysis. Patrol had been quiet and he’d been enjoying hanging out with Steph. Getting a call over the comm from O to watch out for some kind of mind-altering drug that had messed Dick up had shattered that. 

He’d talked to Alfred and agreed to come back to the Cave to help. While A could handle the medical side, having an extra pair of hands for situations like this was always safer. Tim had taken in a deep breath; he could put aside his issues with Dick for one night.

So when Jason came up to him at the computer, he felt a flare of annoyance.

“Why are _you_ here?”

Jason had the audacity to laugh. “Why so hostile? Is it past your bedtime?”

Tim scowled but his eyes caught on the bundle in Jason’s arms.

“Uh, are _you_ okay?” He asked.

Jason’s eyes narrowed but he shot a quick look over at Dick before hissing. “I’m just holding it so he doesn’t freak out, okay?”

Tim just raised an eyebrow.

“He thinks it’s a baby.” Jason explained.

Well that sucked the humour out of it. Jason looked troubled as he continued. “Dick was afraid to bring ‘her’ here. Thought B would recruit her or something.”

Tim considered. “I mean, there are a lot of precedents for that.”

“No. You don’t get it.” Jason’s brow furrowed. “Look at him. I think he’s scared of this place.”

“What? But he’s here all the time. Hell, he’s practically lived here more than once.”

“But not since...you know.” Jason said. “Think, when was the last time you saw him down here?”

Tim did and came up short. On the rare occasion he’d seen Dick since... they’d been outside, on rooftops or once in a warehouse. Had Dick even been back to the manor?

He hadn’t been to any family meals or movie nights. In fact...Tim’s gut twisted. 

No. He would not feel bad for the liar. If he didn’t want to be cut out of family activities he shouldn’t have pretended to be dead.

The computer beeped and Tim gratefully turned to read…

“They’re clean.” He reported. “Just painkillers, nothing extra.”

Jason’s frown deepened. “But he threw them away. Roy found them in the trash and when I suggested he take some…”

Jason shook his head. “I was sure there was something wrong with them.”

“Well it must be something else.” Tim looked over to see Alfred and Leslie talking in hushed tones and Dick staring at a spot on the floor.

Cautiously, Tim and Jason approached. They all compared notes over Dick’s head. Apparently the bloodwork had come back clean too.

“So...magic?” Tim ventured.

“I want to do a brain scan. There are still some medical explanations.” Leslie countered.

“Like what?” Jason asked, brow now looking painfully scrunched. His arms squeezed the hoodie seemingly without him noticing.

“Let’s not diagnose anything until I can run some more tests.” Leslie replied.

Tim got out his phone to start googling but was stopped by Jason shoving the hoodie into his arms. He took it instinctively before spluttering.

“Hey! I don’t-”

Jason was turning to leave but stopped at Dick’s voice. “Tim! Oh she’s beautiful! What’s her name?”

“Uh…” Panic stole all words from his mind.

Dick beckoned him closer and Tim’s traitor legs obeyed.

Animated, Dick cooed at the bundle. “Congratulations! You’re going to make such an amazing father!” 

Tim choked. Jason burst out laughing. Alfred and Leslie exchanged a glance.

Dick didn’t notice their reactions, still looking between Tim and the ‘baby’. “My little brother, all grown up.” His eyes began to shine.

“Uh, are you cry-” Tim began before swallowing down the question. He sent a glare to a still cackling Jason because that was easier than dealing with everything else.

Alfred put a hand on Dick’s arm. “Master Dick, we’re ready for your scan now.”

Dick stood uncomplainingly but paused beside Tim, gripping his shoulder. “I’m so proud of you.”

Tim couldn’t look Dick in the eye, instead focusing on Dick’s right ear as he nodded.

“You’ll let me visit?” Dick asked.

The question surprised Tim into meeting Dick’s eyes. His heart clenched as he watched a tear roll down his brother’s cheek. That expression: so happy but also... apprehensive?

Brain finally engaging, Tim forced out. “Course.”

Dick’s answering smile was near-blinding. He squeezed Tim’s shoulder and then let Alfred usher him over to the scan.

Trying to cough away the lump in his throat, Tim looked at Jason. His brother had calmed down and was unusually solem. It only lasted a moment though.

“Yeah, have fun with that.” Jason started backing away.

“Wait! Don’t-”

“You’ve got this! I believe in you, Tim-daddy.”

Resisting the urge to pout, Tim turned away from Jason’s retreating back and muttered to himself. As much as their relationship had come along in leaps and bounds since the early murderous days, Jason could still be an asshole.

Then Tim remembered he was essentially cradling a hoodie. Sneaking a look in the direction of the medbay, he carefully deposited it on a chair. He accessed the files for his latest case and tried to tune out the soft voices across the way.

Later, Steph came back from patrol with Cass, who’d just finished a job with the Birds of Prey. Both had been updated but Tim was still glad that Dick was still being checked out behind a screen. He really didn’t want to deal with whatever Dick imagined next, or talk about what his brother had already seen.

Had it been a random hallucination? Or did Dick really see him as good father material? It wasn’t like Tim had a wealth of good role models to emulate. Bruce had his moments, occasionally, and his own parents...well, they’d tried when they’d been around. Alfred offered some useful tricks that could work or Dick when he…

Tim swallowed, pushing down all the memories from when Dick had been his perfect older brother: big, strong and so kind and supportive to the neglected kid who’d practically begged his way into the costume. 

That was all gone now. Tim knew that all of that had been out of obligation or pity, or guilt over Dick’s rocky relationship with Jason before he’d died. As soon as Damian had come along, Dick had focused his attention on his real family. The one who really belonged…

Tim shook himself. 

“Do B and Damian know?” Steph asked.

Pushing down irritation, Tim shrugged and pretended not to notice her knowing look.

“Sad.” Cass remarked, staring straight into Tim’s soul.

“Actually Dick seemed quite happy.” Tim answered, wincing as Cass smacked his arm. “It was unnerving.” He amended.

“No!” Dick shouted from the medbay. The three ran over. Leslie and Alfred were standing beside the cot where Dick was sitting, arm outstretched at Alfred. “You’re trying to kill me!”

Tim saw Alfred’s eyes widen in surprise. Tim was confused: Alfred was only holding a cup of meds.

“Dick, it’s just medicine. To help you.” Leslie tried.

Dick’s gaze flickered over to her briefly, but he kept his focus on Alfred. “What are you even doing here? Does B know?”

“Master Dick-”

“Don’t! Only Al calls me that!”

Tim’s stomach dropped. He’d only heard Dick sound that tightly furious a couple of times and never at anyone in the family. But then, he wasn’t seeing Alfred just then. Who was he seeing?

“Okay, let’s take a breath.” Leslie said.

No one moved and Dick didn’t relax, still looking terrified and pissed.

“I can’t believe you let him in here.” Dick spoke, likely trying to sound stern but unable to hide the shake in his voice. It also wasn’t clear exactly who he was addressing, his eyes still fixed on Alfred.

Swallowing, Alfred put the cup down on the side. “I’ll be upstairs.”

“So you can look for the Kryptonite? Tim, you should see him out.”

It clicked in Tim’s head. Though the answer didn’t make much sense. Why would Dick see Lex Luthor when looking at Alfred?

Sure, they were both shrewd and highly intelligent but Alfred used his powers for good. He _loved_ them.

Although reluctant to leave, Tim agreed to go with Alfred. He knew the women would be more than capable of looking after Dick. 

Alfred was silent in the elevator; though Tim couldn’t possibly have missed the stiff way he held himself. Well, stiffer than usual.

“It doesn’t mean anything.” Tim said eventually.

“No. Of course not.” Alfred agreed. 

Both of them heard the doubt but Tim didn’t follow Alfred to the kitchen. Instead, he went to his room and opened his laptop. Connecting to O, he updated her and they worked on tracking Dick’s movements up until that night. He’d get to the bottom of whatever was hurting his brother.

…

If she were to rate her relationships with her siblings, Steph would put Dick at number three: Tim and Cass fighting for the top spot. Despite having his own life, Dick had made time for her, especially once he’d gotten over his objection to her even being a vigilante. The gruff scepticism had made a terrible first impression but his natural sunniness and gentle encouragement more than made up for that. They hadn’t had many heart to hearts, but the ones they had shared were memorable for the sheer warmth and safety and love Stephanie had felt. 

So yeah, they hadn’t been the closest but his death had been devastating. Of all the injustices Stephanie had known, that had been one of the hardest to take. 

Those months had been hard on everyone but it had brought them closer together. Steph couldn’t remember ever saying more than two words to Jason before Dick’s funeral, but when he started hanging around more, she’d gotten to know him a little.

And when Damian had come back, everyone had rallied around to support him in Dick’s absence. Poor kid, it had been extra unfair that both of those two had had to suffer through the other’s death. Sure Damian had Bruce’s DNA, but everyone could see he’d really been Dick’s kid.

So when the truth had come out, when she’d heard that no, actually, none of that suffering had been necessary and could have been avoided if not for the Mission, she’d been as angry and betrayed as the rest of them. Well, maybe not as much as Tim and Jason, but still.

Now, standing by his cot in the Cave, she realised it was the first time she’d really looked at him since he’d come back and...oh boy.

Usually if Dick looked as bad as that, the world had just been saved from an alien invasion or something. Any lingering resentment or self-righteous anger within her fizzled out and dissipated.

Leslie was browbeating Dick into lying back and trying to sleep, Cass settling into a nearby chair with a novel she’d pulled out from somewhere. Stephanie hung back, not sure if she was even needed. Evidently yes, as once Dick was lying down with his eyes closed, Leslie took her aside. She explained that she was going upstairs to mix some medicine for Dick (read: blend the pills into a drink). 

Seeing Steph’s nervousness, Leslie smiled. “If he wakes up, just keep him talking. I won’t be long.”

Steph watched her take the cup of pills and go upstairs. Trusting Cass to keep an eye on him, Steph went to do her patrol report. Boring but necessary. For once, the monotony was welcome.

Leslie had ruled out Fear and other hallucinatory drugs, but the thought of something not immediately detectable that could cause such intense visions? That was scary. Especially since it was affecting such a veteran like Dick.

She finished her report in record time and got out her phone, messaging Tim.

_ >He’s asleep. Any leads? _

The response was almost instant.

_ >Not yet. When was the last time you’d seen him? _

Stephanie had to think. She checked her phone for messages, though she and Dick mostly met on patrol or at the manor rather than organise meet ups digitally. Beyond the group chat that was. Speaking of, Dick hadn’t said anything in the Batfam group chat in a while, which was only former Robins or Batgirls (Bruce and Alfred had vetoed being inundated with memes and gossipy messages).

Stephanie supposed he hadn’t contributed because only Damian had reacted to Dick’s messages. Great, now she felt like a bitch. Getting ignored in the group chat was a big deal. As was being excluded from other, smaller chats which were used to organise meet ups and complain about you and other authority figures.

It was in one of those smaller chat groups - basically with all the kids except Dick and Damian - that she wrote:

_ >I hadn’t seen Dick in at least three weeks. You guys? _

_ >Also I think we should stop ghosting him in the main. _

Cass replied.

_ >16 days. _

_ >Yes. _

Jason also responded, either not realising the irony or not caring.

_ >More than a month. _

_ >And whatever, I don’t read any of your messages anyway. _

Stephanie changed out and then regretted it. The cold in the Cave was always worse than she remembered. You’d think after all those years she would have acclimatised, but no. Remembering the hoodie she’d seen on a chair by the computer, she shamelessly stole it. Big and soft, it smelled like Dick’s usual detergent and was about his size. It was comforting but...

She crept over to the medbay and saw Dick had a blanket draped over him so her guilt subsided.

Leslie came back down and began talking to Steph and Cass at a normal speaking volume. Dick blinked awake and Steph held her breath.

“Hey, Doc. Waz goin’ on?”

“Dick, what do you remember?”

“Oh...I was in my apartment and then Roy and Jay were there. And...Kori? But I don’t- the baby!” He sat up, eyes wide.

“She’s fine. Tim’s looking after her upstairs.” Leslie said. 

Dick relaxed and a dopey smile stretched across his lips. Leslie persuaded him to drink the hot chocolate she’d brought and kept up small talk. Dick would occasionally reference something not real but no one would contradict him.

About twenty minutes later, Dick frowned and looked around.

“What happened to me?”

“We’re not sure but you were hallucinating.” Leslie answered. 

Steph could see then that Dick was back with them, that familiar engaged look in his eyes.

“The baby?” He asked.

“Wasn’t real.”

Dick ran a hand over his face. “Great.”

“If the girls don’t mind, I’d like to ask you some questions.” 

Dick looked up at Leslie sharply and something passed between them. It was too fast for Steph to interpret exactly but as she glanced at Cass, she thought she saw recognition in her eyes.

“Sure thing, doc. We’ll just be upstairs.” Steph agreed. 

She led the way to the elevator and waited until they were inside before turning to her sister. “What do you think?”

Cass just looked at her.

“What?”

“Not our business.” Cass said.

Steph bounced on her feet. “I’m just curious. I’m not going to go and hack anything.”

Cass narrowed her eyes.

Steph huffed. “Fine! I won’t even speculate what’s going on...with you.”

They got up to the mansion and said goodnight. Despite her curiosity, Steph decided to go to bed. Nothing was guaranteed to happen and unlike _some people,_ she knew when to get some rest.

Her mind did turn though and she hoped the doc could help her big brother.

…

For once, Dick wished he could go back to sleep. Maybe he’d wake up again to find this had all been a nightmare. If only…

Leslie was being comfortingly clinical and detached but Dick still remembered the confused and concerned faces of his family and friends. God, he’d called Kory…

As if his relationship with her hadn’t already been fractured as Hell. Would they ever be able to reconcile after that? Would he even deserve that?

Years of trust helped him open up to Leslie and he answered her questions honestly even as his skin itched and brain screamed at him not to. He recognised what she was testing for and he hated that anyone should know. But resistance was futile and if he cooperated, she’d help him misdirect everyone else.

He was relieved when she finished her questioning.

“With the anti-psychotics and therapy, you should make a full recovery.”

“Should?” Dick asked, trying for light but completely missing and ending up with exhausted.

Leslie laid a hand on his arm. “You’re going to need support.”

“No.” He snapped, already knowing what her suggestion was going to be.

“It doesn’t have to be here.” She replied. “But you can’t be on your own.”

“Yeah, well I’m not really anyone’s favourite person right now.”

Leslie’s eyes narrowed. “That’s the depression talking. There are dozens of people who would drop everything to help.”

Part of Dick knew she was right but still part of him insisted: it was all for show. They were pretending to care, pretending not to be disgusted by how weak he was.

God, he’d pestered fucking _Jason_ into holding a hoodie like it was a baby.

He shrugged.

Leslie relented. “You just need a buddy for a week or two. Once we see how the meds are working we can scale it down to daily visits. It’s either that or be admitted.”

“Not here.” He said.

“Not here.” She agreed easily. “Do you want me to talk to the others? Or do you want to do it?”

“Does it matter? They already know I’m…”

“You better not be about to say ‘crazy’.”

Lip curling into a small smile, Dick corrected. “Troubled.”

The thought of telling his siblings that he’d become so depressed that he’d started seeing things…

“Only the person you’d be staying with needs to know the details; to know what to look for, what to do.” Leslie said.

“Maybe for any other family.” Dick sighed. “Just...it’s fine. Tell them everything. Just the medical stuff.”

They could research medical terms and drugs and treatments as much as they liked, but they couldn’t know what else he’d seen and heard, what the visions had meant to him, the very specific fears they represented, the oppressive, relentless march of shadows through his soul every fucking day.

“I’ll leave Alfred in charge of seeing who’s available to take you in. Then you can decide.”

Grateful she was taking charge of that, Dick just nodded.

Leslie squeezed his arm. “It gets better. You _know_ it does.”

On a good day, he would agree with her, but he also knew that things get worse too. Like now.

“Thanks, doc.” He forced out.

“Get some more rest. I’ll be back soon.”

He didn’t watch as she went upstairs.

 _Pathetic_. 

He flinched, then held still through the adrenaline pumping through him.

Glancing around, he couldn’t see anyone. But the voice had sounded so close…

_Jumping at shadows? What would B say?_

Dick squeezed his eyes shut. It was just left over hallucinations, Leslie had warned him they might linger, even on the drugs. Maybe he needed another dose?

Trying to keep his breath steady, he looked around for the meds, despite not knowing what they looked like.

Suddenly, a loud clanging sound reverbed around the Cave. Dick jumped off the bed and looked around wildly. The noise became a whirring and Dick finally realised it was the hangar doors opening. 

The Batplane.

Batman.

Insides shrivelling up and dying, Dick glanced at the elevator. It was too far. He’d never make it in time. Gulping, he quickly assessed the med bay. No obvious hiding place but maybe-

The whoosh of the plane engines kicked him into gear and he dove for the large cabinet that houses a spare IV stand and other big objects. Half-throwing a few things out, he squeezed himself in and drew the doors closed.

The dark, cramped space was a little comforting. As Robin he’d grown used to the dark, found safety there and small spaces were even more secure. As long as he could move his limbs and wasn’t tied down, he was safe.

He took in a deep breath, trying to keep his heartbeat steady. 

The jet engines powered down and an uneasy silence fell around the Cave. Then, voices. Tight tones. Irritation. Pain.

They drew closer and silently, Dick crunched into a ball, hugging his knees. The sliver of light from between the cabinet doors fell on his face and he swallowed. The voices drew close enough to make out the words.

“-reckless!”

“It got the job done, didn’t it?”

“If you had listened to me, you wouldn’t have been injured.”

“And you would have been killed.”

“I had it under control.”

“Tt. Ah!” Damian’s usual sound of disdain broke into a cry of pain.

Dick’s spine straightened and his fingers clenched on his knees. 

He should go help. Damian needed him.

_You? You’re the last person he needs._

His shoulders drooped and he heard Damin climb onto the bed.

“I can do it myself!” Damian snapped.

Bruce merely grunted.

Dick held his breath as the sounds of Bruce gathering things stopped abruptly. Damian also stopped moving. Dick closed his eyes - the stuff he’d chucked out of his hiding place was on the floor, obviously...Shit.

What felt like hours but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, Bruce approached the cabinet. Dick’s heart stopped and he was engulfed in white.

...

Alfred distracted himself by assessing the children. Master Tim was fatigued but alert and nervous, Alfred made a mental note to usher him off to bed and confiscate his tech until noon. Mistress Cassandra appeared calmer but Alfred saw signs of concerns and Mistress Stephanie was just as concerned if not slightly irritable after being woken up for the update.

Doctor Leslie looked at all of them carefully before beginning.

“Dick’s authorized me to disclose the medical details from this incident, though only because he knows what you’re all like about privacy.”

Stephanie opened her mouth but at Cassandra’s elbow to the side, shut it again. 

“Please don’t ask him about this, beyond letting him know you’re there if needs to talk.”

“Promise.” Cassandra said.

The others nodded.

“I’ve determined that the hallucinations were caused by a severe depressive episode. Antipsychotic meds and therapy should even out the chemical imbalance.”

“That can happen?” Timothy asked.

“Typically the trigger is a traumatic event but if there’s enough stress and depression then yes, psychosis is possible.”

“How long till he’s normal again?” Stephanie asked.

Cassandra elbowed her again.

“What?”

“Sick. Not crazy.”

Stephanie protested. “I never said that!”

“I’m not sure,” Leslie ignored the bickering, “it could be weeks, maybe a month or two.”

She turned to Alfred. “He can’t be alone, especially in the first two weeks. Apart from not staying here he hasn’t expressed a preference.”

Understanding the implicit request, Alfred nodded. Good. Another task to occupy his mind and not dwell on Richard’s horrified expression. 

“I’ll make enquiries.” He answered, going through a mental roster of heroes suitable for the task. He was interrupted by a familiar sound. Alfred frowned. Was that the Batplane?

He turned to Timothy. “Did Mistress Barbra get through to Master Bruce?”

Evidently also hearing the noise, Timothy snapped to attention. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh no.” Leslie commented as they all raced to the Cave.

The scene when they reached the medbay was not as bad as Alfred had feared. Bruce, still in his suit, was hovering near the partition as Damian crouched in front of the cabinet, talking in low tones.

“What happened?” Leslie asked.

Bruce frowned, his mind likely working to deduce what had happened before they’d arrived. “He was in there when we came in and wouldn’t let me near him.”

“Damian and I will handle it. The rest of you scram, we don’t want to crowd him.” Leslie ordered, slowly approaching the cabinet.

“Come on, Master Bruce. I’ll update you.” Alfred put a hand on Bruce’s shoulder when it looked like he wouldn’t leave.

The children trailed after them, also looking reluctant to go.

“Fear?” Bruce asked.

“No.” Alfred answered, steeling himself. “Master Dick is suffering from depression-induced psychosis.”

Bruce stared at Alfred for a long moment. “How long?”

The children shared looks. Tim admitted. “We’re not sure. We’re still trying to figure out who saw him last.”

“At least a few hours.” Alfred supplied. “Master Jason found him in his apartment earlier this evening and Doctor Leslie diagnosed him about twenty minutes ago.”

Bruce nodded, taking it in. Straightening even more, he ordered. “Make up his old room.”

“Actually, Doctor Leslie suggested Master Dick would be more comfortable staying with friends for his treatment.”

Bruce’s expression tightened and Alfred sighed inwardly, already foreseeing the whole, tiresome argument.

“He’ll be better off here.” Bruce said.

“He doesn’t want to be here.” Tim interjected.

Bruce blinked before his brow furrowed. “He won’t get better care anywhere else.”

Stephanie muttered something, no doubt unflattering.

“That’s not the point.” Tim continued. “He can’t get better if he’s…” He waved an arm.

“Freaked.” Stephanie said.

Alfred frowned. “Uncomfortable.”

Bruce had his stubborn face on but thankfully Doctor Leslie appeared.

“Okay, he’s settled for now. Alfred, sorry to have to hurry you along.”

Taking the hint, Alfred nodded and left Bruce in the tender doctor’s care. She wasn’t someone Bruce could scowl into submission.

With Tim and Barbara’s help, Alfred drew up a list of potential caretakers. The majority of Dick’s closest friends were either on missions, had complicated living situations or were dead. Dinah said it wouldn't be ideal but she could be a last resort - she was already housing someone going through a tough time; Wally was recovering from a recent injury and Roy Harper…

Over the video call, Barbara looked uncomfortable and Alfred knew better than to ask her to step up. 

“If I had a place he could stay with me.” Tim said, rolling his shoulders out. “I’ll check with Clark, see if Mrs Kent would be up for a long-term stay.”

“What about Master Jason?” Alfred asked.

The other two looked at him incredulously.

“Seriously? They’d kill each other in five minutes.” Tim blurted, then grimaced at the wording.

Barbara looked like she was considering it though. “Maybe not. It’s worth asking.”

She called Jason and patched him through to all of them.

“Yeah?”

“You’re on with me, Tim and Alfred.” Oracle began.

“Oh no, I am not taking on the Golden Boy.” Jason said immediately.

“We’re kind of hurting for options.” Barbara said. “You just need to keep an eye on him during the day. We can send someone for when you’re patrolling.”

Jason huffed and there was a beat of silence.

“I am aware of the recent animosity as well as your complicated history.” Alfred said. “But I will say that Master Dick is someone who never hesitates to offer help to those who need it. For it to be this difficult to get help for him in return doesn’t seem just.”

Another long pause.

“Fine!” Jason gave in. “He can crash, but I’ll need someone to get groceries or whatever, I’m not equipped for a house guest.”

“I’ll bring some dinners.” Alfred promised.

“Thanks, Alfred.”

Jason hung up and Alfred excused himself, heading for the kitchen. He started taking out the ingredients for the beef stroganoff he’d been planning on making the next evening. Dick could take it with him in the morning.

As he was chopping the mushrooms, a wave of sorrow washed over him and he froze in place. The echo of that sunny little boy sounded around his head. To imagine that darling boy all alone and suffering... Far too many times, members of their family were wounded, but to be so close and to not reach out for help, to be seemingly afraid to, that broke Alfred’s heart.

They all must have been doing something wrong. 

Damian came in and requested hot chocolate to bring to Dick. Apparently Leslie and Bruce had compromised that Dick would stay the night and leave for Jason’s in the morning.

“No need to make up his room, he’ll be staying with me.” Damian said.

Alfred blinked, about to point out some problems with that arrangement, but Damian went on.

“I offered and he accepted. Touch seems to be calming for him.”

Alfred bit back a comment about Damian’s care for his mentor and merely made some hot cocoa for them. Damian inclined his head in approval and took them up.

After he’d left, Alfred leaned his palms on the kitchen island and sighed. Then was not the time to dwell on Dick’s hallucination or who he’d seen in Alfred’s place. But Alfred allowed himself a moment.

…

Damian insisted on accompanying Grayson to Todd’s apartment. He was disgruntled that Grayson would not be staying at the manor but understood his reticence. Not for the first time he wished to be back at the Penthouse. Although it hadn’t always been perfect, Damian had felt differently there. Not safer exactly, but content, secure in himself. 

If he was honest with himself, Damian would admit it wasn’t the location but Grayson himself that made the difference. He was patient and kind, often for no reason, and yet a formidable fighter and detective. The traits Damian had been raised to see as weak didn’t seem to hold Grayson back at all. 

In fact, they netted him many allies. People said Grayson was probably the most well-connected cape there was; many of his associates would drop everything to help him. If only he’d ask.

Damian was angry at the supposed family for somehow missing Grayson was in need of help for what appeared to be weeks. He was kicking himself for not noticing anything amiss when he’d said goodbye before the mission. Maybe he’d looked tired, but that was normal for Grayson in the middle of a difficult case or busy period.

Both Damian and Grayson were quiet in the car as Pennyworth drove them over. Neither had slept much, Damian fiercely dismissing Grayson’s attempts to complain about his nightmares.

“No one likes a hypocrite, Mr ‘You-can-always-talk-to-me’.” Damian had said, which had painted a ghost of a smile on Grayson’s lips.

When they arrived, Damian swallowed down a disparaging comment. He’d visited Todd’s before and although masses better than his various safehouses, it was still far below Damian’s accustomed standard of living. Aware neither Pennyworth nor Grayson would appreciate his wit, Damian kept the comment back, in case Todd needed taking down a peg. For someone with such a disastrous and chaotic life, he could be very judgemental.

Damian also didn’t comment on Grayson’s fidgeting as they waited for Todd to open the door, nor voice his doubts about the whole arrangement. It wasn’t like Damian could take care of Grayson himself. 

Yet. Damian resolved to read up on everything Doctor Leslie had mentioned.

Todd finally appeared, red hair mussed and unruly, but his eyes were alert at least. He didn’t say anything instead jerking his head in what Damian had been told was a welcoming gesture. Pennyworth handled small talk as they went in, enquiring over Todd’s health and friends and so on.

Grayson managed a small smile but didn’t say much. Damian stayed close to him which turned out to be rewarding as Grayson reached out and ruffled his hair, expression fond. Pushing down the warm feeling that always welled up at such a gesture, Damian pretended to pout.

“Don’t you have school?” Todd asked.

“It’s 8am. Plus someone had to verify if this dump would be adequate for Grayson’s stay.”

“Dames.” Grayson cut in. “We’ll be fine. Jay’ll take good care of me.”

“He’d better.”

“Remember the cookies.” Pennyworth said in a loud voice as he put his hands on Damian’s shoulders. Todd saluted and Grayson’s smile widened a little.

“Call me tonight? Before patrol?” Grayson asked Damian.

Damian nodded and reluctantly let Pennyworth lead him out. Neither of them spoke until they got back into the car.

“Whatever your previous feelings concerning Master Jason, he is family. He will take care of Master Dick.”

“Tt.”

Pennyworth eyed him through the rear-view mirror but didn’t say anything else.

As Damian sat back and looked out the window, he considered Pennyworth’s faith in Todd. Pennyworth could be sentimental, but he wasn’t a fool nor a poor judge of character. Damian let himself relax a little. He’d keep in contact with Grayson and if there were any signs of neglect or trouble, he’d be there.

...

Kori took in a deep, steadying breath before knocking. She was about to see Dick for the second time in as many weeks, more than she’d seen him in years. The hallucination incident had woken a long buried tangle of emotion and when Jason had asked what had happened, Kori had been reluctant to even talk about it. Keeping it buried hadn’t made it hurt less though and Kori knew if it ever would dull to an ache, she’d have to process it.

So she and Roy had told Jason what they knew and Kori’s experience of being replaced so thoroughly no one had even noticed. His hand on her shoulder and understanding expression had helped.

“After that, things weren’t ever really the same. We all tried but when the team broke up I knew it was a good thing for me to have a fresh start. I don’t think Dick felt the same though.” She sighed. “I tried talking to him about it but you know how he is ‘I’m fine, let me tell you about this new case I’m working’.”

Roy and Jason had nodded, understanding completely. 

“I could tell he was really affected by it too though, whenever we’d get intimate he’d flinch away, get upset.”

“Okay Kori, we really don’t need to know that much.” Roy had protested.

Jason had been frowning thoughtfully though. “This Mirage, had she and Dick…?”

Roy had snorted. “Yeah, Dick didn’t win Boyfriend of the Year that year.”

Jason’s gaze had sharpened and Kori had nodded at him sadly, confirming what he suspected. Kori knew that the teammates and even Dick himself viewed it as cheating, albeit unknowingly. She was glad Jason understood the implications without her needing to explain. Kori often forgot how touchy humans could be about their secrets but she knew best of all how Dick hated people knowing about his private life. 

Jason hadn’t said anything and the three had parted soon after. Now, Kori was hoping that she and Dick could have the conversation they should have had years ago.

Jason let her into the apartment, looking tired but not particularly stressed. They hugged and Jason explained Dick was just changing after his morning jog.

“How’s it going?”

Jason shrugged. “Could be worse. He’s not talking a lot but he’s stopped hallucinating so there’s that.”

The door to the guest room opened and Dick came out. He looked so much better than the last time: no bags under his eyes, freshly showered and there was a bounce in his step.

“Kori.” He greeted her. There was some caution in his tone but some joy too. 

Jason had already asked him if he was fine with seeing Kori and Dick had agreed. It gave Kori hope.

“Well, I’m gonna go do some stuff.” Jason interrupted Dick and Kori staring at each other. Dick smiled awkwardly and Kori waved goodbye.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Dick asked, rubbing the back of his head.

“No, I’m fine.”

Dick swallowed. “Okay, uh, let’s sit.”

They sat on the couch, close but not touching. Neither talked for a minute.

“How are you feeling?” Kori asked.

“Better thanks.”

“Good.”

“Kori, I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

He laughed uncomfortably. “A lot of things, but first for what I said, what I saw when I was hallucinating.”

“No, that’s not your fault. Apology rejected.” Kori answered, keeping her voice as light as possible. 

Thankfully, Dick relaxed. “Still, it can’t have been nice.”

“No it wasn’t, but that’s on _her_ not you.” Kori took a deep breath. “As was everything the first time. I think you wanted to punish yourself but Dick, I don’t blame you. Yes I was hurt but if there’d been any way to tell, I know you would have.”

Dick was quiet, face angled down but Kori could see enough to know he was processing. “I think I’ll always feel guilty I didn’t notice anything was wrong, but thanks.” He did sound a little lighter.

Kori held out her hand and he took it. 

“I’ve really missed you.” He confessed.

“I’ve missed you too.” Kori brought him into a hug. 

“I’m sorry. You tried to help me and I pushed you away.”

Kori thought back to the circular arguments and biting words as she’d insisted Dick talk to her, talk to anyone, about what had happened. How it felt as he shied away from her touch, how she could see doubt in his eyes, see fear.

It still ached, how their relationship had slipped through her fingers.

“I forgave you a long time ago, but thank you.”

“God Kori, I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

She dared place a hand on the back of his head and smiled when he melted even more into her embrace. 

“If you really want to make it up to me,” she pulled away and framed his face with her hands, “tell someone about it? Purge your soul of this demon.”

“Not sure it’s ever going away.”

“But your burden could be lessened. What do you say? A problem shared is a problem halved?”

Dick smiled. “How’d you get to be so wise?”

“Excuse me, I have always been wise.”

They talked more about safer topics, catching up on the last few years and sharing gossip.

“I really missed you.” He said again.

She laughed. “I missed you too. So how’s living with Jason?”

It was his turn to huff a laugh. “Surprisingly okay. I thought I’d be clawing at the walls by now but it’s been nice, just hanging out without the pretense of work.”

“I’m glad. But if you ever need to talk to someone with more emotional intelligence, you call me.”

He looked down at their hands. “Thanks, Kori.”

She left soon after, near-bursting with joy and hopeful for their future.

...

Jason’s apprehension as he returned to the apartment after Kori’s visit appeared to be unnecessary. Dick was in the kitchen, something poppy on the old radio in the corner.

“What’s cooking, chef?”

Dick looked up from his cereal bowl and made a face, opening his mouth to show half-chewed Fruit Loops.

“Ew.” Jason recoiled and Dick chuckled.

“How was ‘stuff’?” Dick asked.

They made small talk for a few minutes before Dick said. “Kori’s fine, by the way.”

“I don’t need to know what you talked about.” Jason put his hands up. 

“And I’m not going to tell you, but it was good.”

Jason shuffled, debating whether to reveal what he knew. On the one hand, Dick would tell him if wanted and it wasn’t any of Jason’s business. On the other hand, Dick would be really pissed off if he found out Jason knew through someone else and maybe Jason understanding would make it easier to talk about.

His internal debate must have been on his face as Dick asked. “What? If you want to say something…” 

“Just, if you wanted to talk about Mirage, I guess I could listen.”

As predicted, Dick’s body stiffened. “What do you know?”

“Kori just said what happened from her perspective: Mirage kidnapping her, tricking everyone, being a bitch in general.”

Dick’s lips pressed together. Then he said in a clipped tone. “So you don’t know...”

“I don’t know anything else.”

“But you figured it out.”

“I’m not looking for confirmation of what I suspect and I’ll back the Hell off if you want. I’m just saying that if you did-”

“Got it.” Dick snapped.

He pushed back from the counter, eyes darting around the room. Jason deliberately put the island between them and busied himself with pouring out some water, ignoring Dick’s heavy breathing. With a long sigh, Dick calmed himself down and slowly went back to his cereal. 

They spent some more time in a comfortable quiet; Jason checking up on a snitch he had in one of the gangs.

Then Dick said. “I guess I should talk about it.”

Jason tilted his head to the side. “Up to you.”

Dick glanced at him. “Maybe I’ll stop getting nightmares.”

“Maybe.” Jason agreed easily.

“You don’t want to hear me complaining.”

“I already said I’d listen.”

Dick stirred his cereal some more. 

“Doesn’t have to be now.” Jason added.

Dick sighed and forced a smile. “I want to, I should, just…”

Jason nodded and decided to change the subject. “It hasn’t been horrible, having you here.”

Dick’s expression softened. “I’ve liked being here too. Loved it even.”

“Okay, let’s not go too far.” Jason said.

Dick laughed then tilted his head, eyes assessing. “You want your space back.”

“Did I say that?”

“No, it’s okay. I need to get back to reality sooner or later.”

“No one’s saying that.”

Dick pursed his lips, standing and moving his bowl to the sink.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice.” Jason began, having thought about telling Dick for a while. He’d always found an excuse not to but now he had to say it before Dick disappeared.

“It’s not your fault.” Dick said, still facing the sink where he was washing up.

“I’d been avoiding you.”

Dick turned around, shaking his hands dry. “You had a good reason.”

“Not as good as I thought.”

Dick’s eyes focused and he searched Jason’s face. Tim had pulled up the Cave footage and Jason had had to go break kneecaps for a while to calm down. Though they hadn't yet managed to confirm it, they'd also theorized that pills had somehow been involved in the death Bruce had been shouting about. Needless to say Alfred had been quick to stock up on liquid and powdered alternative medications.

Dick’s stance relaxed as he realized. “What happened between me and Bruce is our business.”

“Alright but the rest of us should have suspected something like that.”

Dick folded his arms, shoulders hunching slightly. Jason raised his hands. “I don’t want to bring up any bad stuff for you. I just want to say sorry. If I do that again, you have permission to chew me out. I’d rather you tell me when I’m being an asshole than find out later.”

Dick was silent a long time, then he whispered. “Thanks, Jay.”

…

Bruce had been doing a lot of thinking since the incident in the medbay. Some might describe it as brooding but it was constructive rather than lamenting. Mostly.

He was aware of his multiple counts of mishandling situations with his oldest son; many times he’d let his fear and anger get the better of him and lashed out.

Every time his son had forgiven him and come when called and every time Bruce had been beyond grateful, even if he’d been incapable of expressing it.

The last time though, the altercation before Dick went to Spyral, or more accurately, the beating, had been different.

In general, getting his memories back had been traumatic but that particular memory had upset him a lot. He almost didn’t trust it and had done his best to ignore it. That had been made easier by Dick keeping his distance and lots of spinning plates to occupy Bruce's mind.

But seeing how distressed Dick had been by Bruce’s mere presence, how adamant he’d been to leave the manor, plus Doctor Leslie reading Bruce the riot act for entertaining the idea of torturing his son by trapping him somewhere he was afraid of, well, it had brought his past actions into sharp relief. 

He’d spent a week just turning it all over in his mind whenever he’d had a spare moment. He didn’t know how to make it right, if he even could. Then, he’d received a letter from Dick. Nervous about what was in it he hadn’t been able to bring himself ton open it for a few days. 

At the end of the day though, it was from his son.

_Dear Bruce,_

_I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some things for a while now but you know how it goes: when the going’s good you don’t want to spoil anything and when things go wrong there’s no time to even think about anything else._

_I decided to write a letter mostly because it’s so easy for our conversations to break down into arguments and I’m tired of fighting. I don’t hate you. I don’t think I ever could, not after all you’ve done for me; from giving me a way to channel my grief and a new family, to providing a second pair of eyes on cases I’m struggling with._

_You already know that over the years you’ve done things that have hurt me, as I’m sure I’ve hurt you. As I got older, I realized that you’d had your reasons and that sometimes your decisions had been more about your feelings than anything I’d done. For a long time though, I thought I’d failed you._

_When you kicked me out it felt like the world was ending and as angry as I was at you, I also blamed myself. I thought I’d messed up too many times, that I hadn’t lived up to your expectations and the longer we went without talking, the deeper that impression got._

_You’ve tried to make it up to me, now I recognize gestures meant to do that but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if there’s anything you could do or say that would convince me I’m good enough for you._

_The Spyral mission and faking my death didn’t just hurt me and you, it affected my relationships with the rest of the family. I will not let that happen again._

_If Gotham or the family need me, I’ll be there but I can’t be at your beck and call anymore. I love you and I always will, but I can no longer give you my loyalty._

_I hope we can talk, I do want to. Not now but soon. I’ll let you know when. I ask that you please don’t try to get in contact before then, unless you want to write a letter of your own._

_I promise I’ll read it._

_Love Dick_

Bruce had to read it in short bursts, his heart filling with so much acid and self-loathing he’d had to look away and breath before continuing. After he was done, he sat alone in his office, processing it all.

As Dick had mentioned, Bruce was aware of the hurt he’d caused but he hadn’t known the extent of it. It was worse than he’d imagined and he struggled to accept the idea that Dick didn’t believe himself worthy of Bruce’s love, that he’d thought himself a failure for so long.

Bruce’s tired heart broke apart and he wept long into the night.

...

Dick moved back to his apartment a few days after his talk with Jason - with more hands than he needed. After the usual half-hearted protests, he’d ordered pizza and just enjoyed his brothers and sisters mostly getting along. He had some scheduled visits coming up, looking forward to seeing Lian in the flesh for the first time in too long. He knew it would be awkward with Roy, but his old friend had sounded more or less amiable on the phone so there was that.

Tim and Damian still managed to antagonize each other, Jason was as prickly as ever and Stephanie was sometimes brash and insensitive. Despite the bickering sometimes sliding from good-natured into biting, they more or less kept things friendly. Cass had taken to smacking people upside of the head if things looked like they were starting to get out of hand, saving Dick from having to intervene. It was very relaxing.

Dick still needed to talk to Tim and Damian about his hallucinations and lingering issues between them; he wanted to have a proper talk to Alfred too, not just small talk and the odd sincere compliment. He also hadn’t heard from Bruce yet, which was both good and bad. Dick’s therapist had advised him to get his thoughts and feelings down on paper so he could better organize them. Dick had made the decision to send the letter and he hoped it had been the right one.

But that could all wait. Surrounded by his family, he felt happier than he’d been in a long time. He smiled as he felt Damian subtly lean into his side and watched Jason roll his eyes at Stephanie trying to climb over him to grab the remote.

Things were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Dick experiences a psychotic episode and hallucinates a baby that’s been abandoned, stating he doesn’t know how long she’s gone without food (it is in fact himself who hasn’t eaten in a few days, no children are harmed in this fic). Some of the batfamily’s traumas (as children and adults) are alluded to or referenced but not described in detail.  
> So, basically the idea for this fic came from a sequence in ‘The 100’, if you've seen it you should recognise the hallucination bit.  
> What I’m aiming here is a metaphor: Dick has convinced himself that he’s not worth helping so his subconscious comes up with a reason for him to reach out. Roy would never abandon a baby girl no matter how much he hates Dick, right?  
> When first drafting this, for some reason I thought starvation/dehydration could cause hallucinations (originally Dick went catatonic and neglected to eat). Internet research proved me wrong, of course. I wanted the hallucination to be directly caused by Dick’s isolation and depression without outside influence (drugs or illness); I also didn’t want Dick to develop a long-term psychotic disorder so only ‘brief psychotic disorder’ fit.  
> Whilst I’ve done some research on the condition, it is only used here as a plot device and should definitely not be taken as reliable info on the condition or its treatment.


End file.
